Some Jokes

*Break Into the House*
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"
________________________________________________________

*Lost Wife*
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and
asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you
talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out
of nowhere."
___________________________________________

*Teacher*
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said
the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his
feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to 
see you standing up there all by yourself."
_______________________________________

*Hearing*
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
_______________________________________

*Wedding*
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day
of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a  moment,then said, "So, why is the
groom wearing black?"
__________________________________________

*Dream*
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced
enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a
pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to
his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the
package to find a book entitled - "The meaning of Dreams".
___________________________________________

*Laugh out Loud*
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked,
"Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."
The woman said,"I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the
man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the women asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the
man replied, "No, she's left handed." !!!

This is called misfortune by itself ...

One morning at a doctor?s surgery a patient arrives complaining of
serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what
happened to your back?"


The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the
balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That?s how I strained my back"


The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"


He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."


The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two

Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"


"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

Love Letter (Q/A Format)

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.
My Dearest Reshma, Please answer the following questionnaire.
For Options (a) 10 marks, (b) 5marks and (c) 3 marks.

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:
(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:
(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:
(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

4) When you were showing your child photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:
(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because:
(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...
(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:
(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:
(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 AM because:
(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it.
If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom.
If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not .

Eagerly awaiting your reply..

love,
Aakash

Reply
*****
Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........
Aakash,
Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.
(a) Yes
(b) No

2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes
(b) No

3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she  stop singing or not?
(a) Yes
(b) No

4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.You poked your nose inside..... Right
(a) Yes
(b) No

5) I avoided holding your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?
(a) Yes
(b) No

6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
(a) Yes
(b) No

7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes
(b) NO

8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it true ?
(a) Yes
(b) No

9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple. Do you know?
(a) Yes
(b) No

Newly Wed Girl

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a
traditional manner

She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:

"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home
and family",
she said "Firstly, With my presence I would not want to create any
inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I donot want you all to
change your way of life, your routine."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family.

What I mean dad is:

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.

As for me, I am here just to entertain your son!

Complaints

Life's Little Instruction Book !
Have a firm handshake.

Look people in the eye.

Sing in the shower.

Own a great stereo system.

If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.

Keep secrets.

Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

Always accept an outstretched hand.

Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the
difference.

Whistle.

Avoid sarcastic remarks.

Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90
percent of all your happiness or misery.

Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.

Lend only those books you never care to see again.

Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.

When playing games with children, let them win.

Give people a second chance, but not a third.

Be romantic.

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as
important as it first seems.

Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for
your convenience, not the caller's.

Be a good loser.

Be a good winner.

Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.

When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.

Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

Keep it simple.

Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.

Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to
cross the same river.

Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets Be bold and
courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you
didn't do more than the one's you did.

Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to
acknowledge those who helped you.

Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only
stay a few minutes.

Begin each day with some of your favorite music.

Once in a while, take the scenic route.

Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're
terrific.'

Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.

Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas
sometimes strike at 3 a.m.

Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how
trivial their job.

Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind
you.

Become someone's hero.

Marry only for love.

Count your blessings.

Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.

Wave at the children on a school bus.

Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your
ability to deal with people.

Don't expect life to be fair.

With a Cigarette in my hand: A Lesson Learnt Late

When cable TV had come into our Indian/Doordarshan-only lives in early 90s, there was this very popular anti-smoking campaign on, if I remember correctly, Zee Tv. Titled 'A Lesson Learnt Late', it was not just any other advertorial sorta thingie. Rather, it was a full-fledged song running into maybe 4 minutes or so. The impact of this ad is obvious from the fact that irrespective of its title, people remember it as 'With a Cigarette in my hand' song/campaign. The lyrics were really meaningful and the tune was catchy. The vocals (Gary Lawyer) were amazing too. In a nutshell, a very impressive public-service campaign. I've been looking for this song for long time now, but to no avail. If anyone has it, please lemme know. Here is the vid of the ad campaign.



and the complete song with lyrics (Thanks to Pujit):

It was, I remember, many years ago,
When I had failed to distinguish between a friend and a foe,
When they had invited me ,holding open the pack,
When I lost to curiosity, instead of being taken aback,
When on that fateful day , for the first time,
I held a cigarette in my hand.

It was, I felt a part of being in the teens,
And what had started with a puff or two became a routine.
The smoke's illusion blinded me for as it arose,
Arose my spirits too, and I muttered to myself, "I can" because,
With a cigarette in my hand ,
I felt like a man.

Soon it came out in the open, for it had become a habit I could not hide,
I was helpless, for I could not help but continue,
Even when I knew, it was eating me up from inside,
I was sick...my body and my soul and I realized,
With the cigarette in my hand,
I was a dying man.

Soon I was just a lifeless form, a hollow,
People shunned me everywhere, I wished,
If only had I done something which others could follow,
But it was too late, I had taken the wrong path, and I was ignored, because
With a cigarette in my hand,
I was a hated man.

All the time, tears filled my eyes,
For people had bid me their good byes,
I wept because my cells , my body was choking ,
If only on that first day,my friends had been joking,
And then one day, the cigarette dropped from my hand,
I was a dead man

Videos updated on 11-Jun-2009.

Anger

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails
and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back
of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next
few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily
gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to
drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't
lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the
boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails
were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You
have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be
the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You
can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm
sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.
They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."

Show your friends! how much you care.

"Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.""


heartfelt apologies...